My weight was 93.4 pounds this morning. Fuck! It's so much, but at the same time so little.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and she was so frustrated. She said "how could u do this, Nemi. Now when u finally had started to get better" I could see some tears in her eyes too. I feel so guilty. It feels like I let her down. But I can't live for other, can I?

My trip with friends through Europe this summer can also be canceld. If I don't gain at least 20 pound before may 1st. my doctor refuse me to go. She says that then my general condition will be so critical that she can't let me go. If she have to she will send the police after me and bring me to the hospital. Grrr.. Screw her! And if I don't gain 2 pounds until next wednesday she will put me back into the hospital. I don't want to go there! What can I do? I want to die and I want to be thin. So maybe I should die now, because if she send me to the hospital again they will force me gain weight. Up too 117 *sight* I hate it! So maybe it's for the best that I take suicide before that? I don't know, I just don't know. But I doubt I will get through with it, because I'm a weasel!

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003